Like being in a fog
March 14, 2013 | Category: mood, ordinary days, Uncategorized
I have major depression. And a few other not so fun little, well, I’ll just call them quirks. Some days are really great. I am an awesome mama, an awesome wife. I have everything together and I am on fire. Other days, most days, I feel like I’m slowly drowning, sinking, struggling to hang on and be present and be a good mama and not just go curl up in bed and sleep until it’s over.
I don’t write about it much. And why not? Because I know some family and friends I have to see in person read the blog occasionally, and maybe I’m a little ashamed and embarrassed. What could I say? What could anyone else say? Either way, it’s not a comfortable subject and not really something I feel like broadcasting even when I am in the midst of a really hard day. If you ask me, I’ll tell you I’m fine, I’m good. Just really busy. really tired. It’s not that I can’t talk about it; I just don’t want to talk about it or think about it or get into it with anybody other than my husband.
Why am I writing about it now? I don’t know, to be honest. Maybe because… maybe because it might help someone else out there. Maybe because, selfishly, it helps me clear my head and my thoughts and pull myself back up and into the right frame of mind. I just feel like it today and that’s all there is to it.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the light. Hard to realise that in just a few (or so) hours my husband will come home to help me out and I’ll be able to breathe again. When it’s just me, and the chores seem never ending, the laundry pile keeps rising higher and higher, the milk has been spilt for the eleven millionth time that day, and every one wants something to eat half an hour ago oh and could you wash this item of clothing I’ve worn for approximately 0.2 seconds? it’s just hard. And not fun.
I want to choose to see the happy points in my day, be thankful for them, praise God for the grace he shows me through them. These little moments that make my heart skip a beat that I forget to pause and breathe in and say thank you for. I try and fail and so I’m trying again. Because it’s worth it.
Playing peek-a-boo with a baby who just learn how to say (in her own sweet baby talk way) I love you. Smelling the scent of newly bloomed honeysuckle vine growing allover my deck. The way the grass and random plants are starting to creep their way through my tumble-down gate. A soft white kitten curled up on my clean white comforter.
xox Amanda
Tags: depression, mama thoughts, piper, PND, white kitten
22 Comments
Leave a Reply
thank you..dear Amanda…well,I´m not very good in English,but I think that sometimes,things happen without words..you have helped me..and still helping..you are great you know?Yes..so thank you again..xoxo Mia
Oh Amanda, it would be silly of me to say I know how you feel, but I have felt very similar to what you have expressed here. I have found since all 4 are at school that things are so much easier and I very rarely feel depressed now, but I miss them a lot at the same time. One thing that helps me to think about is that yes, I feel negative emotions strongly at times, but I also see joy and beauty in little things strongly too and think that if i hadnt experienced despression, that maybe i wouldnt have relished the tiny moments with my kids or the beauty in little things that otherwise may have been overlooked. Wish I could have a cup of tea and a chat with you. If you ever need a break to Melbourne, there's room here
Lots of love and prayers to you xoxo
Miriam if it helps you even a little, I'm glad. Thank you for writing
Thank you Liss *hugs*. I would love to visit you in Melbourne, I really would. One day, yes?
Still dreaming of the day we can do a themed photoshoot together.
I think I agree with you – the negative helps the positive shine brighter. When I saw on anti depressants it made everything very flat. I wasn't sad or depressed, but I was never really happy either. Such an odd feeling, thinking about it now.
Anyway… thanks for writing xox
I can definitely say that I've struggled too with depression after sweet V was born. Going through the same mundane schedule as a stay at home mom can make the sanest woman go mad! You feel as if you're just going through the motions and it's all in vain. I have to remind myself that whatever I do it's all for the glory of God…
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." –1 Corinthians 10:31
Amanda – you are such a dear, brave, inspiring soul… hugs from afar. I have found myself battling in similar ways in the past six months especially – though mostly its exhaustion from bleak cold, homesickness, culture-fatigue and a feeling of just, being stretched so thin. Last night I sobbed on the floor as I tried for two-hours to nurse and rock my unsettled, teething babe to sleep. I repeat in my mind (and my heart), that wonderful truth "For He Himself is our peace" – and that I don't need to hold it all on my shoulders. Its not easy, but its freeing… xx
Such an inspiring post! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on the subject, it is so comforting to hear about someone else getting up and living each day despite the personal challenges. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, it hasn't been easy. But like you, I've found things to keep me going, knitting is definitely one. I haven't been following your blog for long, but I love how you don't let your depression define you, instead you let your amazing creativity and appreciation for the beauty in life shine, and brilliantly so.
I am so proud of you that you had the courage to write this ! I had VERY major and DANGEROUS depression after my first child ( the kind where I was so scared of my thoughts I was too afraid to be alone with the kids sometimes ) . Its totally NORMAL and OKAY – and you have done the very best thing you can for your children , you have admitted it out loud and publicly. Its the first step to changing it. Your tired honey and you need support……..what better way to get it then to speak up about it ! This is how it changed for me ….I asked for help ! Stay strong – IT DOES GO AWAY . I promise !
PS. I live an hour from Disney . If you ever wish to bring the children this way – You all have a place to stay and a friend to explore with ! NOBODY feels bad in Disney !
{big warm hugs} I am right there with you. I'm hoping that as Spring and Summer arrives here and we get more sunny days that things will improve. One thing that did help was that I identified some of my triggers, and I have a great husband who picks up the slack without complaint. Wishing you well
I so wish that there was no shame involved in sharing for a person who has depression. I kinda get why there is, its such a personal thing, and i guess it makes one feel more vulnerable when i guess they already feel that way. I guess i'm trying to say: I wish people would talk about it more, normalise it in a way (even though it doesnt feel normal.) but speaking about it beats the taboo about it back to where it belongs! SO thankyou for sharing you wonderful woman. You are helping those with it and those who dont have it but need to understand.
Hi Amanda,
Oh how I have been here… as a mother of 4- now 2 of them are teens- it ain't easy. I remember when the kids were "littles"- the witching hour around 4 pm when I was counting down the minutes for my husband to come home from work so I could just catch my breath. The one thing that really- really helped, was that I was part of a mothers group- venting, talking, laughing, crying- we knew we were all in this together- and that really helped the support( strength in numbers- so to speak) I think motherhood is one of the hardest and most important "jobs" out there that does not offer a "field guide", paycheck and at times no relief from all the chaos. It will become easier- and you will have more time for self care. I commend you for writing about this and am sure that there isn't one mother out there "honestly" that can say that they haven't in some way felt like you (us). I think you are awesome.
xo
everybody have bad days! so don't blame yourself! =)
Thank you… I will have to see about a new prescription maybe. I haven't been this bad in a few years, but the past several months have been getting worse. I have bipolar in addition to depression which is just a party of fun as you would know. Thanks for the info.
I've struggled with it since my 2nd child was born (over 10 years now…wow) and I was slammed with intense PND. It has wavered on and off over the years, with really bad dark periods, and then times where I think I must be "cured" because I feel so great. I haven't been on meds for a few years or so because of that flat feeling I mentioned, and it's probably time I looked into it again.
I never "allow" myself to give in and just go to bed, and at times I wonder if it would help. What would happen if I just threw my hands in the air, forgot the chores and the messes and breaking up of fights between six children, and went to bed. I'm not game enough to find out
Anyway, thank you so much for writing. I really appreciated hearing your thoughts and encouragement!
Lamictal has been a life saver for me. It's a mood stabilizer, but has very few side effects (unlike most mood stabilizers that cause weight gain and sedation). Lamictal makes me feel WAY less irritable, peaceful, and content in a way I have never felt before. It is a wonder drug.
I'm so sorry mama. I think it's very brave and generous of you to have shared. Yes, I think there is stigma, and it should be lifted or talked about. Often people look at young moms with lovely families and lives and think, "what on earth are THEY depressed about", like it's a choice. I used to have debilitating anxiety (which still walks sometimes as a dark shadow just behind me) and I never felt I could talk about it. Stay strong. You are inspiring. -x
Amanda, I read your blog quite often and love seeing your world.
I am a mother of 11 and I know so well how overwhelming all the daily stuff is. Sometimes it seems it just gets to a level of "too much". Our older children are teenagers and, contrary to popular belief, I am finding life much more do-able now. They are such a huge help! Train your children to help, let go of perfection and you will reap crazy rewards! Like being able to climb back into bed on really hard days knowing that the house will not fall apart in your temporary absence! 
Also, I have found that showering(it drowns most of the noise out) haha–and desperately crying out to God in there has been what has kept me going. May the Lord bless you and keep you going!!!
Oh and we homeschool, which means my older kids are there to help during the day when hubby is working.
Amanda, i will be saying little prayers for you throughout my day. I know how overwhelming it can be. And yet still so happy and amazing. You are a good momma … when you feel like you have nothing left to give or no strength to pull from, that is the amazing time that God can step in. Our strength is in Him! Thankful for that! xo
I kind of wish I was able to homeschool. When every one is here it's actually a lot easier. I can leave the little ones under the older ones care if I need to hang washing, take a quick shower to clear my head, etc etc! I feel a little guilty if I give them too many chores/responsibilities with regards to the smaller children. How much do you put on your older kids shoulders? (my eldest is 13 and a half).
Thanks so much for writing. It's especially encouraging hearing from you xox
Gillian, thank you. I appreciate your prayers!