It feels so quiet and lonely when I have just the little one around. I never felt that way when we only had the one or two, but now that we have six children the house feels so empty with just one and I marvel at how easy things seem. Days with just one, as rare as they are, are always so productive. I usually start out thinking wow, time to myself. I can knit! I can read! Instead, I run around like a mad woman taking care of all of the chores every one else conveniently forgot, wash and hang several loads of laundry, clean out and organise and find and pair up all of the seemingly endless missing socks before finally breathing a sigh of relief and enjoying it.
Today it was just her and I, some much needed one on one time while the big kids were at school and Zoe got to visit Nan. After the past several days of teething and then not sleeping and being restless during the day too, Piper was exhausted and I was just drained and in need of a break so I could go back to being a nice Mama, not a cranky overwhelmed Mama, again.
While Piper was awake we spent time outside, she delighted to have the antique toy pram all to herself, me just happy to be in the sunshine hanging the washing without having to keep one ear and one eye open for other small people creating messes and getting into things they shouldn’t.
The other kittens have all gone to their new homes now. The one we kept, little “Winter” (for now, so named by Isaiah) has been following me everywhere like an extra shadow all day. Sitting on my lap, plopping herself on top of my feet when I stand still, curling up in my knitting like she thinks it belongs to her. Natsumi, mama cat, seems a bit confused and has been walking the hallway meowing loudly over and over (she is very melodious for a cat, it’s like a song) and ducking in and out of cupboards and under beds to try and find the others.
Tiny Tea Leaves jacket for Zoe… or the kitten? Hmm. It sure seems to match the colour of the kitten’s eyes.
Matt and I talked last night, for the first time in quite a few months I suppose, about where we want our family to be headed and dreams for the future. A little like the old days, when we would dream up crazy plans (living in a run down castle in the middle of a forest, anyone?) and really think they might be possible.
Sometimes I look around and wonder how we got here. Here… in the literal sense, is where we are supposed to be right now. I have the strongest conviction about that, and even though I am struggling on and off with what that means, I know this is right where we are supposed to be at this point, and we are doing what we are supposed to be doing. I have so many wild plans, so many things I hope for or want or think would be better or more fulfilling or that I’d like to change. Sometimes it changes from day to day like my moods, and some of them are probably longer-term goals that I just wish would hurry up and happen now instead. We talked about that a lot last night too. Or rather I talked and Matt sat there listening to me go around in circles and tangles of words until I couldn’t stand to hear myself anymore and went to bed. Figures that it would be followed by a day of quiet so I could think through it some more.
A little solo playing post-nap, and taking small steps toward Mama.